A big 'ol brick

Have you ever seen, heard or read something that felt like getting hit over the head with a brick? I left church yesterday a complete wreck. The teens put on a presentation that was brilliant, a young girl loses herself in sex, money, drugs, eating disorders and suicide then fights her way back to Jesus, who was trying to get her attention and bring her back the whole time.
That girl was me. I have been so foolish to think I was alone, not alone in being the only person to go through such things, but forgetting that Jesus has been there with me through everything. Trying to get my attention, giving me the courage and the strength to fight. I used to pride myself on my inner strength, but I am not that strong. I feel ashamed that I have taken so long to realize, and so grateful that I am forgiven anyway. So I guess the question is how do I show my appreciation and humility to the creator of appreciation and humility? I don't know the answer to that, but I'm gonna try anyway.

Signs for Dummies!

I embrace the entirety of the english language. Which is a lady like way of saying I dont have a lady like mouth. I'm mostly Irish and my Grandfather was a sailor, at least I come by it honestly. I have been working on at least not taking the Lord's name in vain. Not as easy as it sounds, I am a professional gutter-mouth. Getting ready for church last Sunday I did it again. I forget what my dog did this time but it earned a colorful string of profanity. I immediately looked up and said "sorry!" I finish getting ready, get the kids up and ready and we stop off at Carl's Jr. for breakfast. We don't have enough time to go in, so we are sitting in the parking lot inhaling our food looking out at the freeway off ramp. Off the freeway comes a bright yellow version of soap in the mouth. Painted accross the entirety of this trailer is "Jesus Christ is Lord, not a swear word". Well, I don't have to wonder if this is a sign from God now do I? I looked toward the heavens and said "ok, I get it". Talk about humbling! I am proud to say that I haven't said it since. It's only Wednesday morning, but I'm proud of myself anyway!

Why I turned my back on God, and why I turned around again.

I'm a 27 year old wife and mother of two. At least thats what my taxes say. My taxes leave out the most important (and newest) adjective, Christian. I didn't grow up in a religious home. "Hey Mom what religion are we?" "Christian, go clean your room." We never went to church. I was asked along to a baptist church by a friend in 6th grade. "Candy and crayons? I'm there!" I enjoyed going to Sunday school, the sermon was another story. I don't remember the pastor's name but his voice should have been recorded and given as a prescription for insomnia. Still, I enjoyed going until the pastor gave an unusually passionate sermon. It was a demand from him to never use any product made by proctor and gamble. He bellowed that everyone from the ceo down to the mail carrier was a devil worshiper. If we were to buy any of their products we would, by extension also be devil worshipers. At the ripe old age of 12 I thought, "Wow, this dude's crazy!" I went home, went into the bathroom and looked, most of our soap products were made by proctor and gamble. I didn't realize at the time the pastor spoke from his own opinions, not God's. His words were his own. So, I was confused. Why would God want all of His people to put this company out of business? It was obviously a big company with alot of people working for it, what were the chances ALL of them were devil worshipers? I felt betrayed, God was supposed to love everyone. Not turn His back, even on those who are lost. I felt what the pastor said was wrong, and so I felt God was wrong. I turned my back on Him. I bought into the anti-christian publicity in my teens, that the entirety of Christianity was written to keep slaves/minorities/women under the thumb of the men in power. I went on a search for something I could believe in. I found wicca, here was something that celebrated nature (I can see that, not much faith involved here), a female goddess, there was not a clear division between good and evil, and reincarnation (you mean if I screw up this life I can try it again? Woo Hoo I'll take a mulligan!). The problem was in the dozen or so years I considered myself a wiccan, I never practiced it. I read books and told myself this was it, but when it came to putting it to work, for some reason, I never did. Something stopped me from lighting the candles and dancing the hokey-pokey. The older I got the more I felt like something was missing. I'd keep getting a feeling like my Mom thumping the back of my head whenever I heard something positive about God. I know now it was God saying "you need to know me". So, finally my curiosity got the best of me. I figured if I needed to get answers I would go to what I thought was the source, Catholisim. Wow, the church was beautiful, the ceremony was beautiful and I couldn't understand most of what was said. Between the latin and the traditional king james version, I might as well have been reading the german version of my dvd player manual. But, the feeling that I was on to something drove me to go a second time, or at least attempt to. I left work Sunday evening to catch the evening mass, slipped on the only patch of ice within a hundred miles, and broke my knee. I go home instead, in lots of pain. My husband tries to make me laugh and says "wow, Jesus must not like you!" I did laugh, but I also freaked out. Were the things I'd done in my life thus far unforgivable? Did I not get another chance to know Him? After the pain of my knee surgery I was a little afraid to go back. Luckily a few months later I met a man who gave me some perspective. He encouraged me to get to know Jesus, and that I was not a lost cause to God. He is a long time preacher with an R. E. V. so I took a chance and believed him. I now go to a church that is not stonchly religious, the pastor and all that speak there speak plain modern english and all have a healthy dose of humor. I believe I am finally on the right track.